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I have to ruin everything

Why didn’t you tell me you had a blog Kyle?

I didn’t really want you reading it. It’s not really me, it’s just like rough notes and ideas and stuff.

Bull-crap! It’s totally you: it’s sweet and pathetic and funny and pretends to be clever. It’s exactly like you!

[SCOFFS] How much have you read?

Oh, loads la. I love it. It’s a shame you don’t have any actual talent or –

Have you read any –

 -actual talent or anything worth talking about, is what I was trying to say. [GLARES] Have I read any of the the filth? Yes, and it’s disgusting, but so are you. [PAUSES] I’m not complaining am I?

It’s just a bit embarrassing, having you read that stuff, it’s like having you walk in on me masturbating.

I can see how that would be embarrassing yes, but you don’t masturbate publicly on WordPress do you?

I tried, but it got no likes and some of the comments about my penis hurt my feelings a little.

[ALMOST LAUGHS] Nice.

So you wanna watch me have a wank then?

[LEAVES MUTTERING] 

It’s not what you say…

   “Look” she says, “I won’t be here in a couple of months, so don’t go falling in love, OK.” I don’t say anything. I really don’t know what to say. “I mean it la!” she continues, “I don’t need that. Fall in love with me and I’ll dump you.”

   “It’s too late.” I tell her. There’s a pause – and then she says she loves me too, although her exact words are,

   “Oh grow up you idiot!”

Grown Up Feelings

“It sounds really nice.”

“It was, well the house was, but I don’t like all that space, it’s too quiet. You forget, I come from the busiest city on the planet. I even moved my desk so I could see a bit of motorway in the distance la. I hated it: it was like living on the moon.”

“I’d like to live on the moon.”

“Yes Kyle, but I’m a grown up.”

“I think I love you.”

I didn’t say that last bit out loud.

 

still miss her

Still better than porn

People tend not to believe me when I say that I’ve watched very little porn. But I don’t see the point: I have an imagination.

I’ve never thought that I had a very good imagination and my masturbatory fantasies are certainly no masterpieces. There’s very little in the way of back story and although I’m proud of my character development and story arc (particularly during the denouement), I tend to rely on tried and tested themes and avoid any plot twists.

As for the casting, It’s atrocious. All the female roles are unbelievably beautiful and clearly way out of my league. Nobody, in their right mind, would believe that women like that would want to sleep with me, let alone be eager to. And yet, for some unfathomable reason, I believe every scene without question.

My own role in this nonsense is perhaps the most ridiculous of all: I cast myself as an heroic super-lover, able to maintain and erection for days and satisfy any number of women. And as if things couldn’t get any more pathetic, this character even has a bigger cock than I do and is able to produce enough semen to drown a small choir.

The irony that I am, in reality, a scrawny, worn-out fifty-something who can barely keep it up for the duration of a quick restroom wank seems to pass me by completely.
That is until I finish…

And it’s still better than porn.

Friends plus

“So, you know, we’ll still be friends, but like you know… more.. like friends plus.”

“Yeah, absolutely. Brilliant. Friends plus. Like fuck buddies.”

“You ever refer to me that way again and you’ll be looking for somebody else to fuck! Buddy!”

Smart Arse

Watching the golf: the Open Something. Not into golf but it’s on, that’s how bored I am today. It’s in Sandwich, Kent, quite near where I grew up.
It took me tick to realise why it meant something to me…

I lost my virginity on that golf course.
Seana was her name, or Shean, or Shana, she was Welsh.
I never saw her again,
Or before.
I made a joke about a golf ball getting stuck in the imprint of her butt crack.
She pointed out that her crack imprint would be inverted and actually form a ridge, causing any such ball to roll away from, rather than in to, her crack.

Smart arse!

Not Just a Game

As sad as we all are about last night’s loss, let’s not forget that football affects lives beyond the pitch and the terraces.

 

According to police data, domestic violence increases 26 per cent when England play. It goes up 38 per cent when England lose.

 

Please read this post and share it

Today

Today I fell in love with the wonderful Pharrell Williams – or maybe it’s his friends here.

Such a joyous tune – try not dancing to it – also great to see the gorgeous Miley making an appearance. Between being a child actor and a pop brat, she took a little time to do this…

You can tell she’s Dolly’s god-daughter.

Act One

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING

AKISHINO (KIKO) big boots, black jeans & T: sitting on sofa, exhausted, rolling a joint. There is a splash of blood on her top. BBC News on the TV can be heard indistinctly in the background.

LILLIAN looking like she’s just stepped off the set of ‘Call the Midwife’: enters carrying shopping, sees KIKO looking shattered and immediately puts the bags down and sits next to her. They sit in silence as KIKO finishes the spliff and lights it, leaning back and exhaling with a sigh.

                    LILLIAN
          What’s that on your top dear?

                    KIKO
               (not looking up from the telly)
          Arsehole.

                    LILLIAN
               (pulling away disgusted)
          Ewww!

                    KIKO
          Not literally. [BEAT] I don’t know what body part it is. I meant that he was an arsehole.

They both watch the TV in silence.

                    NEWSREADER
               (continues clearly)
                     … controversially  released yesterday on parole after just 12 years for the rape and murder of two 15 year old girls, was found brutally beaten to death just hours after release. The police are saying that they have no… [CLICK].

LILLIAN who has switched her gaze to KIKO, reaches for the remote and shuts the TV down. She then wraps her arms around the girl and holds her.

                    KIKO
               (relaxing into the hug)
          Touch me again without permission and I’ll break all of your fucking fingers.

LILLIAN smiles and kisses the top of KIKO’S head.

FADE OUT: