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Oh Kyle

[INT – KITCHEN – DAY]

“Stick out your tongue.

“What?

“Stick it out.

“nghhng?

“What?

“Why?

“I want to see if you have Downs syndrome.

“Excuse me!!

“Well, it would explain a lot of the things you do, wouldn’t it?

“I don’t think that’s funny.

“And say. [BEAT] Tongue!

[PAUSE] “nnfmmfn?

“What?

“Well, have I?

“Maybe a touch.

“You can’t get a touch of Downs, it’s chromosomatic; you either got it or you don’t.

“Aw. Everyday’s a school day for Kyle isn’t it? Look, I’m not complaining la, you’re bloody good with that thing. I just want to know why you have to act like such a wanker sometimes.

“Have I done something wrong?

“You’ve told her haven’t you?

[PAUSE] “I couldn’t stand her hating you any more.

“Oh Kyle.

I don’t even smoke

[INT – BEDROOM – NIGHT]

“You asleep la?

“mmm.

“I’m going for a cigarette.

“mmm.

“You want to join me?

“nn-uh.

[BEAT] “Do you need a minute to think of a better answer?

Pretty Colours

[INT – WAITING ROOM – DAY]

“Favourite number?

“Square root of minus one.

“Dickhead.

“Alright, zero.

[TUTS] “Favourite colour?

“What’s this for?

“To see if your a dickhead or not. [SMILES] Favourite colour?

“I don’t know what it’s called [BEAT] like, I dunno, minge-mauve?

[LAUGH/SNORT] “You mean pussy-pink?

[BOTH LAUGHING] “More a vulva-violet but yeah that. whatever the colour of the human cunt is.

[STILL LAUGHING] “You’re disgusting Kyle.

“Yeah, but you love me.

[SILENCE]

Alphabetti Spaghetti

[INT – BAR – NIGHT]

“And you told them that?

“Yeah, of course.

“That you think I’m smarter than you?

“You know you are. Loads.

“You can’t really quantify intelligence that easily.

“Don’t try to be modest, it doesn’t suit you. You’ve got a brain like a super-computer. Mine [BEAT] mine’s like a bowl of alphabetti spaghetti wired up to a car battery.

[LONG PAUSE] “I’m impressed la.”

“By what? My metaphor?

“It was a simile. [BEAT] No, by you.

“Me?

“Yeah. I’ve never met a man who was comfortable telling his friends that his girlfriend was cleverer than he was. 

“Girlfriend?

Hope

[INT – BEDROOM – NIGHT]

“I try to hide it.

“Really?  You don’t do a very good job.

“I know. [BEAT] Sorry.

“It’s OK. [BEAT] Really.

“I feel bad about it.

Why?

“You said not to, and I [PAUSE] I don’t want you feeling that you have to stay in touch because-.

“Because I feel sorry for you? Don’t worry about that la. I’ve pitied you ever since we met.

[FLAT] “Hilarious.

“I mean – you thirsty bitch – that if I stay in touch, it’s because I want to.

“Do you?

[SHARP] “What did I just say, Kyle?

“That you love me too?

No

“You just want me to take it off. I’m not an idiot Kyle.

“There are 37 bra related deaths a year in the UK.

“You actually looked that up?

“Well [BEAT] made it up.

[LAUGHS] “Idiot. [PAUSE] If you want to see my tits, why don’t you just ask?

“Wouldn’t that be a little creepy?

“A bit, yes.

[PAUSE] “Can I see your tits then?

“No.

“I’ll show you-

“No.

Forgiven

So, I’ve been unblocked by the girl I was am dating. She seems to have forgiven me, and the Japanese people, for whatever it was we did wrong. She sent me a gloriously pornographic Japanese comic book, made even saucier by her adding in some translations for words she says I won’t come across on my course. I think she’s right.

For someone who doesn’t like swearing in English, you don’t half know some filth in other people’s languages, I grinned. She had no choice but to confess.

I made it up.” she chuckled, “I don’t have a clue what any of it meant. I just underlined stuff at random and then wrote down the dirtiest thing I could think of. I thought you’d enjoy it.

Oh I do!” I glowed, “I love it. But if I fail my final exam because I don’t know the correct Japanese for double-ended dildo, I’m gonna blame you.

Pervert

[ANNOYED] “What are you doing?

“Cuddling.

“Why, for God’s sake?!

“It’s nice.

“You want to go again?

“No. Not yet, I-

“Get off me then! 

[TURNS OVER]

“There’s a reason they make beds this size Kyle. [LONG PAUSE] Don’t look at me like that.

“You can’t see me.

“You can have one.

“One?

“Cuddle, you pervert [BEAT] and make it a quickie.

I Thought I’d Made an Effort

FIRST DATE

“Hi! You look great!

“Uhuh. [ LOOKING ME UP & DOWN ] Did you think ‘The Royal Opera House’ was the name of a pub?


SECOND DATE

“Hi! You look lovely!

“Uhuh. [ LOOKING ME UP & DOWN ] If you’re trying to guilt me into buying you clothes Kyle, it isn’t going to work.

I’m Famous!

“There’s no way you’re going to get a quote from us to use on your blog.”
The Guardian

.

“You can say that we’ve never heard of you, if you like.”
The Times

.

“We don’t understand what it is you’re asking.”
The Telegraph

.

“Please stop calling us.”
BBC News