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COP26

[INT – DAY – DUO]

“I was hoping it would be a success and they would become friends.

“Boris and Greta?

“Yeah.

“You have the political outlook of a three year old Kyle.

“And yet I’m always right.

[SIGHS] “Dear God! [PAUSE] No! [PAUSE] But it is another thing I like about you.

Hanging out

[INT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT]

“We used to do this assault course – like an obstacle race for big boys – and they’d throw these things called thunder-flashes at us – like big fireworks – not at us but near us: to teach us not to be distracted. “They’d try all sorts. [BEAT] One corporal shouted out, when I was halfway across a plank 30 feet in the air ‘Oi Mew! You’ve got your dick hanging out!’

[LAUGHS]

“It’s impossible not to look. It’s just human nature. Even when you’re flying through the air.

[LAUGHS] What happened?

“As I hit the deck I thought ‘Even if I had, that was not the time to check.

[STILL LAUGHING] “Very good. I fail to see how it’s relevant though.

“The racket the brats upstairs make: I treat it like the thunder-flashes and use it to strengthen my focus.

[CHUCKLING] “Your dick’s hanging out la.

“Even if it was, now would not be the time to check.

I’m an idiot

[INT – KITCHEN – NIGHT]

I’m sorry OK? I can be a bit impatient sometimes. [BEAT] You’re just so slow.

“I am?

“You plural. All of you. [BEAT] You’re actually pretty fast.

“Really? You always treat me like I’m an idiot.

“I wasn’t saying that your mind ever goes anywhere clever sweetie,  just that it gets there quickly. [PAUSE] It’s one of the things I like about you.

“There are things you like about me? Like what? Really? What else?

“My favourite would be how good you are at knowing when not to push your luck.

Ow!

[INT – LOUNGE – DAY]

“Ow! Why do you do that?

“Do what?

“That! Poke me.

“To get your attention.

“You had my attention! I was looking right at you!

“I don’t know Kyle, to get more of it?  Why?

“It’s really annoying.

“For whom?

“For me!

“And that’s relevant somehow is it?”

[PAUSE] Ow!

Grand Theft Auto

OK. So I’ve been playing GTA all night* and I have decided that it is a particularly dangerous game and should, at the very least, have a warning label.

Let me explain. It was after about 12 hours of merry mayhem – I make up my own stories and am not too into the whole violence side of the game; I’ll kill people if they irritate me or look at me funny or if I’m a bit bored, but otherwise I prefer to put on weight, dress in a shell suit, spend my nights gambling in the many casinos of Las Venturas and my days stealing police motorbikes and base-jumping off of anything I can find – Anyway I digress:

After a night of driving on the right, and looking to my left when crossing the street; I looked the wrong way when crossing the high street on my way to breakfast and nearly stepped in front of a taxi!

This game should be banned!

*San Andreas remastered, if you’re interested

Cheap perfume

[VOICEOVER – PHONE]

“I don’t know where it came from, I think the boy upstairs is pulling some kind of scam; there’s like eight boxes of it.

“What’s it called?

“Gourmand Fleur de Blonde? Is it any good?

“Trust me la, if I wore that, you’d never want to sleep with me again.

[PAUSE] “You really don’t know me, do you?

I don’t even smoke

[INT – BEDROOM – NIGHT]

“Kyle? [PAUSE] You asleep la?

“mmm.

“I’m going for a cigarette.

“mmm.

“You want to join me?

“nuh-uh.

[BEAT] “Do you need a minute to think of a better answer?

Maybe a touch

[INT – KITCHEN – DAY]

“Stick out your tongue.

“What?

“Stick it out.

“nghhng?

“What?

“Why?

“I want to see if you have Downs syndrome.

“Excuse me!!

“Well, it would explain a lot of the things you do, wouldn’t it?

“I don’t think that’s funny.

“And say. [BEAT] Tongue!

[PAUSE] “nnfmmfn?

“What?

“Well, have I?

“Maybe a touch.

“You can’t get a touch of Downs, it’s chromosomatic; you either got it or you don’t.

“Aw. Everyday’s a school day for Kyle isn’t it? Look, I’m not complaining la, you’re bloody good with that thing. I just want to know why you have to act like such a wanker sometimes.

“Have I done something wrong?

“You’ve told her haven’t you?

[PAUSE] “I couldn’t stand her hating you any more.

“Oh Kyle.

Pretty Colours

[INT – WAITING ROOM – DAY]

“Favourite number?

“Square root of minus one.

“Dickhead.

“Alright, pi.

[TUTS] “Favourite colour?

“What’s this for?

“To see if your a dickhead or not. [SMILES] Favourite colour?

“I don’t know what it’s called [BEAT] like, I dunno, minge-mauve?

[LAUGH/SNORT] “You mean pussy-pink?

[BOTH LAUGHING] “More a vulva-violet but yeah that. whatever the colour of the human cunt is.

[STILL LAUGHING] “You’re disgusting Kyle.

“Yeah, but you love me.

[SILENCE]

Alphabetti Spaghetti

[INT – BAR – NIGHT]

“And you told them that?

“Yeah, of course.

“That you think I’m smarter than you?

“You know you are. Loads.

“You can’t really quantify intelligence.

“Don’t try to be modest, it doesn’t suit you. You’ve got a brain like a super-computer. Mine [BEAT] mine’s like a bowl of alphabetti spaghetti wired up to a car battery.

[LONG PAUSE] “I’m impressed la.”

“By what? My metaphor?

“It was a simile. [BEAT] No, by you.

“Me?

“Yes. I’ve never met a man who was comfortable telling his friends that his girlfriend was cleverer than him. 

“Girlfriend?