I’m an idiot


I’m sorry OK? I can be a bit impatient sometimes. [BEAT] You’re just so slow.

“I am?

“You plural. All of you. [BEAT] You’re actually pretty fast.

“Really? You always treat me like I’m an idiot.

“I wasn’t saying that your mind ever goes anywhere clever sweetie,  just that it gets there quickly. [PAUSE] It’s one of the things I like about you.

“There are things you like about me? Like what? Really? What else?

“My favourite would be how good you are at knowing when not to push your luck.



“Ow! Why do you do that?

“Do what?

“That! Poke me.

“To get your attention.

“You had my attention! I was looking right at you!

“I don’t know Kyle, to get more of it?  Why?

“It’s really annoying.

“For whom?

“For me!

“And that’s relevant somehow is it?”


Grand Theft Auto

OK. So I’ve been playing GTA all night* and I have decided that it is a particularly dangerous game and should, at the very least, have a warning label.

Let me explain. It was after about 12 hours of merry mayhem – I make up my own stories and am not too into the whole violence side of the game; I’ll kill people if they irritate me or look at me funny or if I’m a bit bored, but otherwise I prefer to put on weight, dress in a shell suit, spend my nights gambling in the many casinos of Las Venturas and my days stealing police motorbikes and base-jumping off of anything I can find – Anyway I digress:

After a night of driving on the right, and looking to my left when crossing the street; I looked the wrong way when crossing the high street on my way to breakfast and nearly stepped in front of a taxi!

This game should be banned!

*San Andreas remastered, if you’re interested

Cheap perfume


“I don’t know where it came from, I think the boy upstairs is pulling some kind of scam; there’s like eight boxes of it.

“What’s it called?

“Gourmand Fleur de Blonde? Is it any good?

“Trust me la, if I wore that, you’d never want to sleep with me again.

[PAUSE] “You really don’t know me, do you?

I don’t even smoke


“Kyle? [PAUSE] You asleep la?


“I’m going for a cigarette.


“You want to join me?


[BEAT] “Do you need a minute to think of a better answer?

Maybe a touch


“Stick out your tongue.


“Stick it out.




“I want to see if you have Downs syndrome.

“Excuse me!!

“Well, it would explain a lot of the things you do, wouldn’t it?

“I don’t think that’s funny.

“And say. [BEAT] Tongue!

[PAUSE] “nnfmmfn?


“Well, have I?

“Maybe a touch.

“You can’t get a touch of Downs, it’s chromosomatic; you either got it or you don’t.

“Aw. Everyday’s a school day for Kyle isn’t it? Look, I’m not complaining la, you’re bloody good with that thing. I just want to know why you have to act like such a wanker sometimes.

“Have I done something wrong?

“You’ve told her haven’t you?

[PAUSE] “I couldn’t stand her hating you any more.

“Oh Kyle.

Pretty Colours


“Favourite number?

“Square root of minus one.


“Alright, pi.

[TUTS] “Favourite colour?

“What’s this for?

“To see if your a dickhead or not. [SMILES] Favourite colour?

“I don’t know what it’s called [BEAT] like, I dunno, minge-mauve?

[LAUGH/SNORT] “You mean pussy-pink?

[BOTH LAUGHING] “More a vulva-violet but yeah that. whatever the colour of the human cunt is.

[STILL LAUGHING] “You’re disgusting Kyle.

“Yeah, but you love me.


Alphabetti Spaghetti


“And you told them that?

“Yeah, of course.

“That you think I’m smarter than you?

“You know you are. Loads.

“You can’t really quantify intelligence.

“Don’t try to be modest, it doesn’t suit you. You’ve got a brain like a super-computer. Mine [BEAT] mine’s like a bowl of alphabetti spaghetti wired up to a car battery.

[LONG PAUSE] “I’m impressed la.”

“By what? My metaphor?

“It was a simile. [BEAT] No, by you.


“Yes. I’ve never met a man who was comfortable telling his friends that his girlfriend was cleverer than him. 




“I try to hide it.

“Really?  You don’t do a very good job.

“I know. [BEAT] Sorry.

“It’s OK. [BEAT] Really.

“I feel bad about it.


“You said not to, and I [PAUSE] I don’t want you feeling that you have to stay in touch because-.

“Because I feel sorry for you? Don’t worry about that la. I’ve pitied you ever since we met.

[FLAT] “Hilarious.

“I mean – you thirsty bitch – that if I stay in touch, it’s because I want to.

“Do you?

[SHARP] “What did I just say, Kyle?

“That you love me too?


“You just want me to take it off. I’m not an idiot Kyle.

“There are 37 bra related deaths a year in the UK.

“You actually looked that up?

“Well [BEAT] made it up.

[LAUGHS] “Idiot. [PAUSE] If you want to see my breasts, why don’t you just ask?

“That not a little creepy?

“A bit, yes.

[PAUSE] “Can I see your breasts then?


“I’ll show you my –