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Act One

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING

AKISHINO (KIKO) big boots, black jeans & T: sitting on sofa, exhausted, rolling a joint. There is a splash of blood on her top. BBC News can be heard on the TV indistinctly in the background.

LILLIAN looking like she’s just stepped off the set of ‘Call the Midwife’: enters carrying shopping, sees KIKO looking shattered and immediately puts the bags down and sits next to her. They sit in silence as KIKO finishes the spliff and lights it, leaning back and exhaling with a sigh.

                    LILLIAN
          What’s that on your top dear?

                    KIKO
               (not looking up)
          Arsehole.

                    LILLIAN
               (leaning back disgusted)
          Ewww!

                    KIKO
          Not literally. [BEAT] I don’t know what body part it is. I meant that he was an arsehole.

They both watch the TV in silence.

                    NEWSREADER
               (continues clearly)
                     … controversially  released yesterday on parole after just 12 years for the rape and murder of two 15 year old girls, was found brutally beaten to death just hours after release. The police are saying that they have no… [CLICK].

LILLIAN who has switched her gaze to KIKO, reaches for the remote and shuts the TV down. She then wraps her arms around the girl and holds her.

                    KIKO
               (relaxing into the hug)
          Touch me again without permission and I’ll break all of your fucking fingers.

LILLIAN smiles and kisses the top of KIKO’S head.

FADE OUT:

Please Masturbate Responsibly

I love the way she dresses and I love that she seems to have as many pairs of glasses as she does outfits. Today they are super cool – I dunno know how best to describe them – like black and retro-sexy?

“Do they make me look a bit like a librarian?” she asks when I compliment them.

“Hmmm?” I pretend to muse. “Maybe like a librarian in a porn movie.” I immediately realise what I’ve said, and I can’t tell from her expression if I’ve amused or shocked her. “I wasn’t thinking of you in a porno.” I blurt out, making it worse. She just smiles. Shit! “Not in amongst the action.” I add. What’s wrong with me?

“Do they have librarians in pornos?” she asks innocently, probably trying to help.

“I don’t know.” I lie. “Maybe just to shush people, you know, if they’re climaxing too loudly.” I try to read her face, see if I’ve gone too far. Nothing.

“Shhhh!” she tells me.

Voila

I watched Eurovision on Saturday. I was going to vote for Malta but I was enchanted by the French entry. They ignored all the Eurovision tropes. There was no glitz or glamour, no fancy stage props, no singing in English. It was just one woman (Barbara Pravi), under a single spotlight, singing. It was beautiful beyond words, and I cried like a drain.

She sung with such passion that, even though I  didn’t understand a word, her words touched me. I looked up the lyrics and translated them from the French, expecting some tragic romance. They were shit.

I watched it again, and it still made me cry though.

No Longer

Was showing off my new phone to my mate Karl and saying how I loved it more than my own mum, and he says
“I no longer believe you when you say that.”

No longer?!

Polly Jean

Today I fell in love, obviously, with the fantastic PJ Harvey.

Nothing

I was brought up by my gran. She was a very old-fashioned lady and once told me that ladies did not enjoy sex. Ladies, she said, only had sex to have babies and to please their husbands, who did enjoy it. Even as a child, I remember thinking what a shame that was.

I was nearly 18 before I discovered that women did like sex. It was life changing. And not only were they were enjoying it, they had orgasms too and some, apparently, even masturbated. It was, without doubt, the most wonderful information I had ever received, and nothing could have made me happier.

It still is and nothing has.

That’s Love

As a man, I admit that sometimes I have trouble recognising and identifying my own emotions. Honestly, if I’m not hungry or horny, I don’t have a clue what it is I’m feeling. So when she wants to know how I feel about her, I’m at a bit of a loss.

She definitely makes me feel horny, and she definitely makes me feel happy. Sometimes she makes me feel hungry, especially first thing in the morning but that might be breakfast and I’m confusing her with bacon. Ignoring the hunger then, that leaves happy and horny.

That’s love isn’t it?.

Try This

Next time you’re watching a show with a sign-language interpreter: turn the volume down and imagine that they are describing a series of sexual acts.

It’s hilarious and, at times, quite disgusting. Honestly, I was genuinely shocked at some of things the woman interpreting the lunchtime news was suggesting. some of which I’m sure is still illegal in some southern states.

Ignore the subtitles (but not the facial expressions) as you watch the clip here, and tell me she’s not talking dirty.

 

And she looks like such a nice girl!

Of course, no offense is intended to anyone who has a hearing impairment or who uses sign-language. In fact I’m actually very jealous of all the great sex you guys are having.

 

You DIDN’T Come From My Rib?

Today I fell in love with the gorgeous Lauren Mayer.

The Vagina Tax

MINISTER ONE:   OK hear me out on this. [PAUSE] How about we put a tax on vaginas?

MINISTER TWO:  You want to tax vaginas?

MINISTER ONE:   Well, not the vaginas themselves, just anyone who has one.

MINISTER TWO:   You mean women?

MINISTER ONE:   Well that makes it sound like we’re discriminating. It’s just that these stats show that the owners of vaginas are far more productive and creative, both economically and socially than any other group. It makes perfect fiscal sense. Vaginas are a gold mine.

MINISTER TWO:  It might seem a little fairer if we taxed penises as well?

MINISTER ONE:  WHAT!? Tax people for having a penis!? That is literally the stupidest fucking idea I have ever heard in my life! The fuck is wrong with you!? Seriously!? Tax people for having a penis!? Have you got a brain tumour or something? Listen to yourself man! I mean, WHAT THE FUCK??!!