Joshua

It was love at first sight. The moment you popped out, the moment I set eyes on you, I was hit by a wave of love that almost knocked me off my feet. Your name escaped from my lips, unbidden. Joshua.

You were three months old when your condition was discovered. When we asked how long you had, the doctors couldn’t answer, according to medical science you shouldn’t even have lived that long.

You spent a lot of time in hospital but you didn’t mind, at least one of us was always with you, even sleeping by your cot. You charmed all the nurses, better with the ladies than your old man, huh?

Your heart specialist would look astonished every time he walked into the room and saw you, astounded that you were alive. You would laugh at him, he was bald with a big beard, and we reckoned you thought he had his face on upsidedown and that was why you thought he was so funny.

You were not like your mum or me, we were excitable people and always rushing around, but you were laid-back and thoughtful, and you could concentrate for far longer than babies are supposed to be able to. You would stare at people’s faces and take your turn when joining in conversations.

You never saw your first Christmas. Maybe we knew and that’s why we opened the presents early. We sat in bed, you in the middle, you got a big chocolate letter J and a pack of coloured felt tip pens. I held them in a bunch and slid them across the paper, making rainbows. Your eye’s were like saucers and your mouth dropped open, it was magic to you. You tried to do it yourself but the temptation to put the pens in your mouth was too much.

You made a lot of friends, for someone who couldn’t speak. You were nine months old and 150 people came to your funeral.

It was love at first sight. The moment you popped out, the moment I set eyes on you, I was hit by a wave of love that almost knocked me off my feet. Your name escaped from my lips, unbidden. Joshua.

A couple of posts I’ve read recently made me think, made me realise that there are one or two things I never write about. I like to shock you and arouse you and make you laugh and ideally, all three at the same time.

I have never written about being an addict and I have never written about losing my little boy.

73 responses

  1. Powerful post. First word that came to my mind was elegant, very elegant. I felt your love and pain in this one, but in a powerful way, not a sad one…it made me remember my own sorrow, that I pushed to the back of my mind. Thank you for making a memory a strong one, one of courage and strength.

    12.10.13 at 15.49

    • thank you for sharing your sorrowful memories – they can and do make us stronger and better

      12.10.13 at 16.24

  2. eroticexploration

    Bravely, beautifully, and deeply movingly written. So many people say ‘the ones you lose will always be in your heart’ – it sounds like such a cliché, especially before you actually do lose someone you love so intensely. But I have come to believe that it is true – we give our love completely to a few special people in our lives, and when they are gone that love doesn’t disappear, it remains within us and continues to shape our lives forever more. What a precious little thing he was… *hugs*

    12.05.11 at 22.07

    • that’s so true, thank you
      *hugs back*

      12.05.11 at 22.37

  3. I smiled all the way through it, wanting to cry but knowing tears weren’t needed. Your son touched so many people before the age of one. You are allowing him to do it again through you. He will always, always be with you. Thank you for sharing this wonderful little man with us Kyle.

    12.05.11 at 21.40

    • for ages i wasn’t going to but i’m glad i did and your comment just confirmed that i was right – thanks

      12.05.11 at 21.41

      • I’m glad you feel that way. He is one to share the joys of your life through and with, if only on paper and on your pillow at night. Writing about him makes you both shine.

        12.05.11 at 21.44

        • i’m lost for words 🙂

          12.05.11 at 21.46

  4. That was so beautiful and yet so hauntingly sad. You write so beautifully..I’m so sorry you lost your little boy.. All I can do is send you an internet hug.. Woefully inadequate but the sentiment is there..

    12.04.26 at 16.42

  5. Thank you for sharing that very personal side. It hurts when we don’t let it out. *tight Hugs*

    12.04.25 at 23.04

  6. hugs. thank you for sharing this. it was an act of courage.

    12.04.25 at 21.59

    • it helped dry up a few tears – hug gratefully accepted xxx

      12.04.25 at 22.19

  7. This post just broke my heart. I’m so sorry.

    12.04.25 at 20.36

    • thank you for saying so x

      12.04.25 at 21.38

  8. *squishy hugs*
    Veggiewitch ♥

    12.04.25 at 19.48

    • very appreciated

      12.04.25 at 21.38

  9. This made me sad and happy at the same time. Sad because of your loss and happy because you wrote about it so beautifully and chose to share it with us. Thank you Kyle.

    12.04.25 at 16.42

    • a pleasure my treasure

      12.04.25 at 16.50

  10. I’m so sorry for your loss, love. I can’t even begin to imagine your pain…..

    12.04.25 at 14.16

    • thank you darling – it was a very long time ago, but the pain never goes away completely. i was a mess for years, drugs, crime, violence all sorts – these days tho i just cry sometimes
      thank you x

      12.04.25 at 14.20

      • Oh baby it’s okay to cry. I cry almost every day. There’s something so healing about it. You know I may cry every day but I smile and laugh every day too. Take the good with the bad. And know that you will see Joshua again….

        12.04.25 at 16.48

        • i like crying, its ok, crying is like laughing but for deep people

          12.04.25 at 16.51

  11. Beautiful boy.

    12.03.27 at 21.47

    • thank you – he was – he could be a little bugger too at times lol

      12.03.27 at 22.16

  12. Gillian Colbert

    A hug and a kiss, my dear, I just want to hold you … not take the pain away because that pain is related to how much you loved him, but just be with you while you bear it.

    GC

    12.03.25 at 03.06

    • thank you – you understand

      12.03.25 at 10.42

  13. I’ve already told you this… but this piece is just as beautiful as it is sad. It shows your soul, and it’s so perfectly done that it’s really rather stunning in its perfection. Big mental hugs your way doll. xx

    12.03.25 at 00.06

    • needed a big mental hug

      12.03.25 at 00.28

  14. gypsy116

    *hugs* So beautifully written, sad, but beautiful

    12.03.24 at 23.21

    • sadness and beauty often go hand in hand
      thank you

      12.03.24 at 23.44

      • gypsy116

        Welcome, and so very true.

        12.03.24 at 23.50

  15. Heartbreakingly beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

    12.03.24 at 22.58

  16. *hugs*
    So lovely your gorgeous boy made so many people smile in his life

    12.03.24 at 21.45

    • thank you you
      it was amazing how many people he touched in his short life
      we didn’t have enough food at the wake because we never expected so many people
      i nearly didn’t write that post – i think you can see why – i think you can see why too why i am glad i did now
      thanks again
      kyle

      12.03.24 at 22.49

  17. I’m a blundering idiot…thanks for sharing. It must have been incredibly hard to write. It hurt to read as well. I’m hugging you from across La Manche.

    Dawn

    12.03.24 at 19.51

    • you are nothing like a blundering idiot – why would you say such a thing?
      i needed to write it – a friend has twin babies and i sometimes cry when i see them – today i didn’t, i smiled with them: after writing this.
      on a clear night we can see each other

      Kyle

      12.03.24 at 20.18

  18. *hugs* I know cuz my mom went through the same. *bear hugs*

    12.03.24 at 19.49

    • gratefully received
      bless you

      12.03.24 at 20.15

  19. Your mate said it all poignant, elegant, succinctly beautiful. Theres magic in your ability to create positive works of art from intimately painful experiences.

    12.03.24 at 18.57

    • sometimes i think writing is a vocation – other times i think its an affliction.
      can i say, with real meaning though, thank you.

      12.03.24 at 19.08

  20. Kyle. .
    It takes a fast speeding train to share pain. The imagery and words pierce every sentiment, thank you for sharing the map of your days.

    -Mari

    12.03.24 at 17.51

    • Thank you for reading it Mari
      Thanks for understanding

      12.03.24 at 18.11

  21. Oh..dear God, I’m so sorry. My heart breaks just reading this. I’m constantly amazed by your writing, what and how you express yourself, sharing others great work….and ya just blew me away by your sharing this….. Thank you so much….we are all very lucky to have found you¦)

    12.03.24 at 15.49

    • i think i’m the lucky one, to have found you, but thank you.

      12.03.24 at 16.00

  22. Children are such priceless gifts, we all learn from them just as much as they learn from us. I am so grateful that you shared your story about Joshua. Thank you Kyle, thank you.

    12.03.24 at 15.39

    • you’re more than welcome

      12.03.24 at 15.58

  23. This is so touching! It hit me on so many levels as a parent of two and am painfully aware of how life is a gift. I ran into an old friend while waking on a trail and she lost her 22-year-old son a few months ago.

    I was born with a heart defect that I finally had repaired almost two years ago.

    This brought tears to my eyes…

    12.03.24 at 14.54

  24. I don’t really have any words, so ❤

    12.03.24 at 14.53

    • that’s all i need to hear

      12.03.24 at 14.55

  25. TheOthers1

    Oh! Heart wrenching. You told something that had to be incredibly difficult in a very poetic way. Had me tearing. Had to be hard to share something you’ve held close. 😥

    12.03.24 at 14.52

    • thanks you – it was hard but i’ve got a great mate with baby twins and i keep tearing up around them and that’s no good – i think sharing this might help me smile at the little fuckers more x

      12.03.24 at 14.54

  26. SweetP

    What a beautiful tribute to your baby son! You have experienced something no parent ever wants to go thru, my heart goes out to you! Beautiful words, sad story, happy memories. Joshua will live forever in your heart!

    12.03.24 at 14.45

    • you really get it, don’t you?
      thank you for that

      12.03.24 at 14.51

      • SweetP

        No problem, as a Mom, I get it. x

        12.03.24 at 15.13

  27. I sincerely enjoy reading your blogs.

    12.03.24 at 14.40

    • thank you, and i yours

      12.03.24 at 14.40

  28. livrancourt

    It’s a beautiful piece. Thank you for posting.

    12.03.24 at 14.21

    • thank you for reading

      12.03.24 at 14.24

  29. As a mom I understand the love we have for our children. When they get hurt we cry, when they laugh we laugh and when they die they take a piece of us that will always leave us feeling empty. Even though I have never lost a child, just thinking about it breaks my heart. And the repeating line is really touching. Very beautiful piece Kyle.

    12.03.24 at 14.09

    • thanks so much for that – its been a long time – it still hurts but that has become part of me and its ok

      12.03.24 at 14.22

  30. The love and agony and poignancy just DRIPS off this story and reading it is an truly amazing and emotional experience.

    Just a soaring and heart retchingly wonderful tribute this is my friend.

    Pete

    12.03.24 at 13.27

    • thanks my friend.
      hurt like hell to write but glad i did.
      still miss him all these years later.

      12.03.24 at 13.29

      • So elegantly done not a word out of place, engrossing to read.

        12.03.24 at 14.07

        • thanks mate – when something hurts that much to write, you kinda hope that that will be picked up by the reader – so thanks again for saying that

          12.03.24 at 14.23

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