Author Archive

Pretty Colours

“Favourite number?

“Square root of minus one.

“Dickhead.

“Alright, zero.

[TUTS] “Favourite colour?

“What’s this for?

“To see if your a dickhead or not. [SMILES] Favourite colour?

“I don’t know what it’s called [BEAT] like, I dunno, minge mauve?

[LAUGH-SNORT] “You mean pussy pink?

[BOTH LAUGHING] “More a vulva violet but yeah that. whatever the colour of the human cunt is.

[STILL LAUGHING] “You’re disgusting Mew.

“Yeah, but you love me.

[SILENCE]


Alphabetti Spaghetti

“And you told them that?

“Yeah, of course.

“That you think I’m smarter than you?

“You know you are. Loads.

“You can’t really quantify intelligence that easily.

“Don’t try to be modest, it doesn’t suit you. You’ve got a brain like a super-computer. Mine [BEAT] mine’s like a bowl of alphabetti spaghetti wired up to a car battery.

[LONG PAUSE] “I’m impressed la.”

“By what? My metaphor?

“It was a simile. [BEAT] No, by you.

“Me?

“Yeah. I’ve never met a man who was comfortable telling his friends that his girlfriend was cleverer than he was. 

“Girlfriend?


Hope

“I try to hide it.

“Really?  You don’t do a very good job.

“I know. [BEAT] Sorry.

“It’s OK. [BEAT] Really.

“I feel bad about it.

Why?

“You said not to, and I [PAUSE] I don’t want you feeling that you have to stay in touch because-.

“Because I feel sorry for you? Don’t worry about that la. I’ve pitied you ever since we met.

[FLAT] “Hilarious.

“I mean – you thirsty bitch – that if I stay in touch, it’s because I want to.

“Do you?

[SHARP] “What did I just say, Kyle?

“That you love me too?


No

“You just want me to take it off. I’m not an idiot Kyle.

“There are 37 bra related deaths a year in the UK.

“You actually looked that up?

“Well [BEAT] made it up.

[LAUGHS] “Idiot. [PAUSE] If you want to see my tits, why don’t you just ask?

“Wouldn’t that be a little creepy?

“A bit, yes.

[PAUSE] “Can I see your tits then?

“No.

“I’ll show you-

“No.


Forgiven

So, I’ve been unblocked by the girl I was am dating. She seems to have forgiven me, and the Japanese people, for whatever it was we did wrong. She sent me a gloriously pornographic Japanese comic book, made even saucier by her adding in some translations for words she says I won’t come across on my course. I think she’s right.

For someone who doesn’t like swearing in English, you don’t half know some filth in other people’s languages, I grinned. She had no choice but to confess.

I made it up.” she chuckled, “I don’t have a clue what any of it meant. I just underlined stuff at random and then wrote down the dirtiest thing I could think of. I thought you’d enjoy it.

Oh I do!” I glowed, “I love it. But if I fail my final exam because I don’t know the correct Japanese for double-ended dildo, I’m gonna blame you.


Pervert

[ANNOYED] “What are you doing?

“Cuddling.

“Why, for God’s sake?!

“It’s nice.

“You want to go again?

“No. Not yet, I-

“Get off me then! 

[TURNS OVER]

“There’s a reason they make beds this size Kyle. [LONG PAUSE] Don’t look at me like that.

“You can’t see me.

“You can have one.

“One?

“Cuddle, you pervert [BEAT] and make it a quickie.


I Thought I’d Made an Effort

FIRST DATE

“Hi! You look great!

“Uhuh. [ LOOKING ME UP & DOWN ] Did you think ‘The Royal Opera House’ was the name of a pub?


SECOND DATE

“Hi! You look lovely!

“Uhuh. [ LOOKING ME UP & DOWN ] If you’re trying to guilt me into buying you clothes Kyle, it isn’t going to work.


I’m Famous!

“There’s no way you’re going to get a quote from us to use on your blog.”
The Guardian

.

“You can say that we’ve never heard of you, if you like.”
The Times

.

“We don’t understand what it is you’re asking.”
The Telegraph

.

“Please stop calling us.”
BBC News


Why Learn Japanese

So, why am I learning Japanese? Well, primarily to piss off the girl I’m dating; she says it’s a garbage language, and she speaks about 18 of them, so she should know what she’s talking about. Nevertheless I thought it was a bit racist and told her so. She said that when I’ve had 600 of them  take a shit in my car, I’ll be in a position to judge. Then she hung up on me. Then she blocked me. I’ve really got to find out the rest of that story.

As for learning Japanese; I’m using DuoLingo, which is just brilliant! I’ve been doing it for a month and have learned around 60 words. I can say things like “Is it a small umbrella?” ‘chee-sai kasa des-ka?’ and “No, it’s a black dog” ‘ee-eh karoii eenu des’. I haven’t got to “Fuck you! You racist, smart-arsed, tight-cunted b****!” yet, I think it’s in module 19.


Four Foot Eleven

“Was that really necessary?

“You don’t understand Kyle, it’s difficult when you’re under five foot. People don’t see you. Stamping on their feet is the only way I can avoid getting trampled in a crowd.

“He was alone [ PAUSE ] and in a wheelchair.


Strictly Not Dancing

“Want to go see Bill Bailey at the Opera House?

“Royal?

“Well he won Strictly, so he’s as good as.


Skinny White Bum

“You wouldn’t last five minutes where I come from Mew.”

“I thought you said anyone could make it there.”

“There’s always a slim chance I suppose, but you’re just like all men here: soft and lazy. You can’t be lazy in the East la. It’s just not an option. It’s not one of the cards you get to pick. Lazy is a sign of depression where I come from. You feel lazy, you go see a doctor la. Get some pills, go back to work, not stand in line for an effing  government hand-out.”

“I’ve not signed on since the 80s.”

“I didn’t mean you specifically, I meant all of you. [ BEAT ] You said 2008?”

“That was three months.”

“Enough time for you to have starved back home or be forced to sell that skinny white bum to Chinese businessmen in Little India.”

“Hey, if you wanna watch me have sex with businessmen, you only have to ask.”


Barred

Why didn’t you tell me you kept a blog?

I didn’t really want you reading it. It’s not really me, it’s just like rough notes and ideas and stuff.

Bull-crap! It’s totally you: it’s sweet and pathetic and it tries too hard to be funny and clever. It’s exactly like you!

Hmm, how much have you read?

Oh, loads la. I love it. It’s a shame you don’t have any actual talent or –

Have you read any of the erotica?

 – actual talent or anything worth writing about, is what I was trying to say [ SCOWLS ]. Have I read any of the filth? Yes, and it’s disgusting. But so are you. [ SMIRKS ] I’m not complaining am I?

It’s just a bit embarrassing, having you read that kinda stuff, it’s like having you walk in on me masturbating.

I can see how that would be embarrassing yes, but you don’t masturbate publicly on WordPress do you?

I tried once, but it got no likes and some of the comments about my penis hurt my feelings.

[ ALMOST LAUGHS ] Nice.

 Sooo, you wanna watch me have a wank then?

[ SIGHS ] Why are you so determined to get yourself barred from my vagina Kyle?


It’s Not What You Say…

   “Look” she says, “I won’t be here in a couple of months, so don’t go falling in love, OK.” I don’t say anything. “I mean it la!” she continues, “Fall in love with me and I’ll finish with you.”

   “It’s too late.” I tell her. There’s a pause – and then she says she loves me too, although her exact words are,

   “Oh grow up you idiot!”


Grown Up Feelings

“It sounds really nice.”

“It was, well the house was, but I don’t like all that space, it’s too quiet. You forget, I come from the busiest city on the planet. I even moved my desk so I could see a bit of motorway in the distance la. I hated it: it was like living on the moon.”

“I’d like to live on the moon.”

“Yes Kyle, but I’m a grown up.”

“I think I love you.”

I didn’t say that last bit out loud.

 


still miss her


Still better than porn

People tend not to believe me when I say that I’ve watched very little porn. But I don’t see the point: I have an imagination.

I’ve never thought that I had a very good imagination and my masturbatory fantasies are certainly no masterpieces. There’s very little in the way of back story and although I’m proud of my character development and story arc (particularly during the denouement), I tend to rely on tried and tested themes and avoid any plot twists.

As for the casting, It’s atrocious. All the female roles are unbelievably beautiful and clearly way out of my league. Nobody, in their right mind, would believe that women like that would want to sleep with me, let alone be eager to. And yet, for some unfathomable reason, I believe every scene without question.

My own role in this nonsense is perhaps the most ridiculous of all: I cast myself as an heroic super-lover, able to maintain an erection for days, satisfying any number of women. And as if things couldn’t get any more pathetic, this character even has a bigger cock than I do and is able to produce enough ejaculate to drown a small choir.

The irony that I am, in reality, a scrawny, worn-out fifty-something who can barely keep it up for the duration of a quick restroom wank seems to pass me by completely.
That is until I finish…

And it’s still better than porn.


Friends plus

“So, you know, we’ll still be friends, but like you know… more.. like friends plus.”

“Yeah, absolutely. Brilliant. Friends plus. Like fuck buddies.”

“You ever refer to me that way again and you’ll be looking for somebody else to fuck! Buddy!”


Smart Arse

Watching the golf: the Open Something. Not into golf but it’s on, that’s how bored I am today. It’s in Sandwich, Kent, quite near where I grew up.
It took me tick to realise why it meant something to me…

I lost my virginity on that golf course.
Seana was her name, or Shean, or Shana, she was Welsh.
I never saw her again,
Or before.
I made a joke about a golf ball getting stuck in the imprint of her butt crack.
She pointed out that her crack imprint would be inverted and actually form a ridge, causing any such ball to roll away from, rather than in to, her crack.

Smart arse!


Not Just a Game

As sad as we all are about last night’s loss, let’s not forget that football affects lives beyond the pitch and the terraces.

 

According to police data, domestic violence increases 26 per cent when England play. It goes up 38 per cent when England lose.

 

Please read this post and share it


Today

Today I fell in love with the wonderful Pharrell Williams – or maybe it’s his friends here.

Such a joyous tune – try not dancing to it – also great to see the gorgeous Miley making an appearance. Between being a child actor and a pop brat, she took a little time to do this…

You can tell she’s Dolly’s god-daughter.


Act One

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING

AKISHINO (KIKO) big boots, black jeans & T: sitting on sofa, exhausted, rolling a joint. There is a splash of blood on her top. BBC News on the TV can be heard indistinctly in the background.

MILLICENT looking like she’s just stepped off the set of ‘Call the Midwife’: enters carrying shopping, sees KIKO looking shattered and immediately puts the bags down and sits next to her. They sit in silence as KIKO finishes the spliff and lights it, leaning back and exhaling with a sigh.

                    MILLICENT
          What’s that on your top dear?

                    KIKO
               (not looking up from the telly)
          Arsehole.

                    MILLICENT
               (pulling away disgusted)
          Ewww!

                    KIKO
          Not literally. [BEAT] I don’t know what body part it is. I meant that he was an arsehole.

They both watch the TV in silence.

                    NEWSREADER
               (continues clearly)
                     … controversially  released yesterday on parole after just 12 years for the rape and murder of two 15 year old girls, was found brutally beaten to death just hours after release. The police are saying that they have no… [CLICK].

MILLICENT who has switched her gaze to KIKO, reaches for the remote and shuts the TV down. She then wraps her arms around the girl and holds her.

                    KIKO
               (relaxing into the hug)
          Touch me again without permission and I’ll break all of your fucking fingers.

MILLICENT smiles and kisses the top of KIKO’S head.

FADE OUT:


Please Masturbate Responsibly

I love the way she dresses and I love that she seems to have as many pairs of glasses as she does outfits. Today they are super cool – I dunno know how best to describe them – like black and retro-sexy?

“Do they make me look a bit like a librarian?” she asks when I compliment them.

“Hmmm?” I pretend to muse. “Maybe like a librarian in a porn movie.” I immediately realise what I’ve said, and I can’t tell from her expression if I’ve amused or shocked her. “I wasn’t thinking of you in a porno.” I blurt out, making it worse. She just smiles. Shit! “Not in amongst the action.” I add. What’s wrong with me?

“Do they have librarians in pornos?” she asks innocently, probably trying to help.

“I don’t know.” I lie. “Maybe just to shush people, you know, if they’re climaxing too loudly.” I try to read her face, see if I’ve gone too far. Nothing.

“Shhhh!” she tells me.


No Longer

Was showing off my new phone to my mate Karl and saying how I loved it more than my own mum, and he says
“I no longer believe you when you say that.”

No longer?!