Author Archive

COP26

[INT – DAY – DUO]

“I was hoping it would be a success and they would become friends.

“Boris and Greta?

“Yeah.

“You have the political outlook of a three year old Kyle.

“And yet I’m always right.

[SIGHS] “Dear God! [PAUSE] No! [PAUSE] But it is another thing I like about you.


Hanging out

[INT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT]

“We used to do this assault course – like an obstacle race for big boys – and they’d throw these things called thunder-flashes at us – like big fireworks – not at us but near us: to teach us not to be distracted. “They’d try all sorts. [BEAT] One corporal shouted out, when I was halfway across a plank 30 feet in the air ‘Oi Mew! You’ve got your dick hanging out!’

[LAUGHS]

“It’s impossible not to look. It’s just human nature. Even when you’re flying through the air.

[LAUGHS] What happened?

“As I hit the deck I thought ‘Even if I had, that was not the time to check.

[STILL LAUGHING] “Very good. I fail to see how it’s relevant though.

“The racket the brats upstairs make: I treat it like the thunder-flashes and use it to strengthen my focus.

[CHUCKLING] “Your dick’s hanging out la.

“Even if it was, now would not be the time to check.


I’m an idiot

[INT – KITCHEN – NIGHT]

I’m sorry OK? I can be a bit impatient sometimes. [BEAT] You’re just so slow.

“I am?

“You plural. All of you. [BEAT] You’re actually pretty fast.

“Really? You always treat me like I’m an idiot.

“I wasn’t saying that your mind ever goes anywhere clever sweetie,  just that it gets there quickly. [PAUSE] It’s one of the things I like about you.

“There are things you like about me? Like what? Really? What else?

“My favourite would be how good you are at knowing when not to push your luck.


Ow!

[INT – LOUNGE – DAY]

“Ow! Why do you do that?

“Do what?

“That! Poke me.

“To get your attention.

“You had my attention! I was looking right at you!

“I don’t know Kyle, to get more of it?  Why?

“It’s really annoying.

“For whom?

“For me!

“And that’s relevant somehow is it?”

[PAUSE] Ow!


Grand Theft Auto

OK. So I’ve been playing GTA all night* and I have decided that it is a particularly dangerous game and should, at the very least, have a warning label.

Let me explain. It was after about 12 hours of merry mayhem – I make up my own stories and am not too into the whole violence side of the game; I’ll kill people if they irritate me or look at me funny or if I’m a bit bored, but otherwise I prefer to put on weight, dress in a shell suit, spend my nights gambling in the many casinos of Las Venturas and my days stealing police motorbikes and base-jumping off of anything I can find – Anyway I digress:

After a night of driving on the right, and looking to my left when crossing the street; I looked the wrong way when crossing the high street on my way to breakfast and nearly stepped in front of a taxi!

This game should be banned!

*San Andreas remastered, if you’re interested

Cheap perfume

[VOICEOVER – PHONE]

“I don’t know where it came from, I think the boy upstairs is pulling some kind of scam; there’s like eight boxes of it.

“What’s it called?

“Gourmand Fleur de Blonde? Is it any good?

“Trust me la, if I wore that, you’d never want to sleep with me again.

[PAUSE] “You really don’t know me, do you?


I don’t even smoke

[INT – BEDROOM – NIGHT]

“Kyle? [PAUSE] You asleep la?

“mmm.

“I’m going for a cigarette.

“mmm.

“You want to join me?

“nuh-uh.

[BEAT] “Do you need a minute to think of a better answer?


Maybe a touch

[INT – KITCHEN – DAY]

“Stick out your tongue.

“What?

“Stick it out.

“nghhng?

“What?

“Why?

“I want to see if you have Downs syndrome.

“Excuse me!!

“Well, it would explain a lot of the things you do, wouldn’t it?

“I don’t think that’s funny.

“And say. [BEAT] Tongue!

[PAUSE] “nnfmmfn?

“What?

“Well, have I?

“Maybe a touch.

“You can’t get a touch of Downs, it’s chromosomatic; you either got it or you don’t.

“Aw. Everyday’s a school day for Kyle isn’t it? Look, I’m not complaining la, you’re bloody good with that thing. I just want to know why you have to act like such a wanker sometimes.

“Have I done something wrong?

“You’ve told her haven’t you?

[PAUSE] “I couldn’t stand her hating you any more.

“Oh Kyle.


Pretty Colours

[INT – WAITING ROOM – DAY]

“Favourite number?

“Square root of minus one.

“Dickhead.

“Alright, pi.

[TUTS] “Favourite colour?

“What’s this for?

“To see if your a dickhead or not. [SMILES] Favourite colour?

“I don’t know what it’s called [BEAT] like, I dunno, minge-mauve?

[LAUGH/SNORT] “You mean pussy-pink?

[BOTH LAUGHING] “More a vulva-violet but yeah that. whatever the colour of the human cunt is.

[STILL LAUGHING] “You’re disgusting Kyle.

“Yeah, but you love me.

[SILENCE]


Alphabetti Spaghetti

[INT – BAR – NIGHT]

“And you told them that?

“Yeah, of course.

“That you think I’m smarter than you?

“You know you are. Loads.

“You can’t really quantify intelligence.

“Don’t try to be modest, it doesn’t suit you. You’ve got a brain like a super-computer. Mine [BEAT] mine’s like a bowl of alphabetti spaghetti wired up to a car battery.

[LONG PAUSE] “I’m impressed la.”

“By what? My metaphor?

“It was a simile. [BEAT] No, by you.

“Me?

“Yes. I’ve never met a man who was comfortable telling his friends that his girlfriend was cleverer than him. 

“Girlfriend?


Hope

[INT – BEDROOM – NIGHT]

“I try to hide it.

“Really?  You don’t do a very good job.

“I know. [BEAT] Sorry.

“It’s OK. [BEAT] Really.

“I feel bad about it.

Why?

“You said not to, and I [PAUSE] I don’t want you feeling that you have to stay in touch because-.

“Because I feel sorry for you? Don’t worry about that la. I’ve pitied you ever since we met.

[FLAT] “Hilarious.

“I mean – you thirsty bitch – that if I stay in touch, it’s because I want to.

“Do you?

[SHARP] “What did I just say, Kyle?

“That you love me too?


No

“You just want me to take it off. I’m not an idiot Kyle.

“There are 37 bra related deaths a year in the UK.

“You actually looked that up?

“Well [BEAT] made it up.

[LAUGHS] “Idiot. [PAUSE] If you want to see my breasts, why don’t you just ask?

“That not a little creepy?

“A bit, yes.

[PAUSE] “Can I see your breasts then?

“No.

“I’ll show you my –

“No.


Forgiven

So, I’ve been unblocked by the girl I was am dating. She seems to have forgiven me, and the Japanese people, for whatever it was we did wrong. She sent me a gloriously pornographic Japanese comic book, made even saucier by her adding in some translations for words she says I won’t come across on my course. I think she’s right.

For someone who doesn’t like swearing in English, you don’t half know some filth in other people’s languages, I grinned. She had no choice but to confess.

I made it up.” she chuckled, “I don’t have a clue what any of it meant. I just underlined stuff at random and then wrote down the dirtiest thing I could think of. I thought you’d enjoy it.

Oh I do!” I glowed, “I love it. But if I fail my final exam because I don’t know the correct Japanese for double-ended dildo, I’m gonna blame you.


Pervert

[ANNOYED] “What are you doing?

“Cuddling.

“Why, for God’s sake?!

“It’s nice.

“You want to go again?

“No. Not yet, I-

“Get off me then! 

[TURNS OVER]

“There’s a reason they make beds this size Kyle. [LONG PAUSE] Don’t look at me like that.

“You can’t see me.

“You can have one.

“One?

“Cuddle, you pervert [BEAT] and make it a quickie.


I Thought I’d Made an Effort

FIRST DATE

“Hi! You look great!

“Uhuh. [ LOOKING ME UP & DOWN ] Did you think ‘The Royal Opera House’ was the name of a pub?


SECOND DATE

“Hi! You look lovely!

“Uhuh. [ LOOKING ME UP & DOWN ] If you’re trying to guilt me into buying you clothes Kyle, it isn’t going to work.


I’m Famous!

“There’s no way you’re going to get a quote from us to use on your blog.”
The Guardian

.

“You can say that we’ve never heard of you, if you like.”
The Times

.

“We don’t understand what it is you’re asking.”
The Telegraph

.

“Please stop calling us.”
BBC News


Why Learn Japanese

So, why am I learning Japanese? Well, primarily to piss off the girl I’m dating; she says it’s a garbage language, and she speaks about 18 of them, so she should know what she’s talking about. Nevertheless I thought it was a bit racist and told her so. She said that when I’ve had 600 of them  take a shit in my car, I’ll be in a position to judge. Then she hung up on me. Then she blocked me. I’ve really got to find out the rest of that story.

As for learning Japanese; I’m using DuoLingo, which is just brilliant! I’ve been doing it for a month and have learned around 60 words. I can say things like “Is it a small umbrella?” ‘chee-sai kasa des-ka?’ and “No, it’s a black dog” ‘ee-eh karoii eenu des’. I haven’t got to “Fuck you! You racist, smart-arsed, tight-cunted b****!” yet, I think it’s in module 19.


Four Foot Eleven

“Was that really necessary?

“You don’t understand Kyle, it’s difficult when you’re under five foot. People don’t see you. Stamping on their feet is the only way I can avoid getting trampled in a crowd.

“He was alone [ PAUSE ] and in a wheelchair.


Strictly Not Dancing

“Want to go see Bill Bailey at the Opera House?

“Royal?

“Well he won Strictly, so he’s as good as.


Skinny White Bum

“You wouldn’t last five minutes where I come from Mew.”

“I thought you said anyone could make it there.”

“There’s always a slim chance I suppose, but you’re just like all men here: soft and lazy. You can’t be lazy in the East la. It’s just not an option. It’s not one of the cards you get to pick. Lazy is a sign of depression where I come from. You feel lazy, you go see a doctor la. Get some pills, go back to work, not stand in line for an effing  government hand-out.”

“I’ve not signed on since the 80s.”

“I didn’t mean you specifically, I meant all of you. [ BEAT ] You said 2008?”

“That was three months.”

“Enough time for you to have starved back home or be forced to sell that skinny white bum to Chinese businessmen in Little India.”

“Hey, if you wanna watch me have sex with businessmen, you only have to ask.”


Barred

Why didn’t you tell me you kept a blog?

I didn’t really want you reading it. It’s not really me, it’s just like rough notes and ideas and stuff.

Bull-crap! It’s totally you: it’s sweet and pathetic and it tries too hard to be funny and clever. It’s exactly like you!

Hmm, how much have you read?

Oh, loads la. I love it. It’s a shame you don’t have any actual talent or –

Have you read any of the erotica?

 – actual talent or anything worth writing about, is what I was trying to say [ SCOWLS ]. Have I read any of the filth? Yes, and it’s disgusting. But so are you. [ SMIRKS ] I’m not complaining am I?

It’s just a bit embarrassing, having you read that kinda stuff, it’s like having you walk in on me masturbating.

I can see how that would be embarrassing yes, but you don’t masturbate publicly on WordPress do you?

I tried once, but it got no likes and some of the comments about my penis hurt my feelings.

[ ALMOST LAUGHS ] Nice.

 Sooo, you wanna watch me have a wank then?

[ SIGHS ] Why are you so determined to get yourself barred from my vagina Kyle?


It’s Not What You Say…

   “Look” she says, “I won’t be here in a couple of months, so don’t go falling in love, OK.” I don’t say anything. “I mean it la!” she continues, “Fall in love with me and I’ll finish with you.”

   “It’s too late.” I tell her. There’s a pause – and then she says she loves me too, although her exact words are,

   “Oh grow up you idiot!”


Grown Up Feelings

“It sounds really nice.”

“It was, well the house was, but I don’t like all that space, it’s too quiet. You forget, I come from the busiest city on the planet. I even moved my desk so I could see a bit of motorway in the distance la. I hated it: it was like living on the moon.”

“I’d like to live on the moon.”

“Yes Kyle, but I’m a grown up.”

“I think I love you.”

I didn’t say that last bit out loud.

 


still miss her