four is not a prime number

Please Masturbate Responsibly

I love the way she dresses and I love that she seems to have as many pairs of glasses as she does outfits. Today they are super cool – I dunno know how best to describe them – like black and retro-sexy?

“Do they make me look a bit like a librarian?” she asks when I compliment them.

“Hmmm?” I pretend to muse. “Maybe like a librarian in a porn movie.” I immediately realise what I’ve said, and I can’t tell from her expression if I’ve amused or shocked her. “I wasn’t thinking of you in a porno.” I blurt out, making it worse. She just smiles. Shit! “Not in amongst the action.” I add. What’s wrong with me?

“Do they have librarians in pornos?” she asks innocently, probably trying to help.

“I don’t know.” I lie. “Maybe just to shush people, you know, if they’re climaxing too loudly.” I try to read her face, see if I’ve gone too far. Nothing.

“Shhhh!” she tells me.


Since I Met Him…

I’ve smoked cannabis,
Cheated at poker,
Lied to my husband,
Danced naked under the stars.

I’ve slapped him,
Kissed him,
Told him a dirty secret,
Blamed a fart on him.

I’ve been ticked off by the police,
Seen a hole in the sky,
Convinced some people I was psychic,
Lost £10,000.

I’ve stood up to a bully,
Called her a whore.
Been kicked out of a library.
Broken into a cemetery.

Since I met him I’ve
Lost my religion,
Found my faith,
Fallen in love.

It’s been quite an afternoon.

A.