verbatim

I’m an idiot

[INT – KITCHEN – NIGHT]

I’m sorry OK? I can be a bit impatient sometimes. [BEAT] You’re just so slow.

“I am?

“You plural. All of you. [BEAT] You’re actually pretty fast.

“Really? You always treat me like I’m an idiot.

“I wasn’t saying that your mind ever goes anywhere clever sweetie,  just that it gets there quickly. [PAUSE] It’s one of the things I like about you.

“There are things you like about me? Like what? Really? What else?

“My favourite would be how good you are at knowing when not to push your luck.


Ow!

[INT – LOUNGE – DAY]

“Ow! Why do you do that?

“Do what?

“That! Poke me.

“To get your attention.

“You had my attention! I was looking right at you!

“I don’t know Kyle, to get more of it?  Why?

“It’s really annoying.

“For whom?

“For me!

“And that’s relevant somehow is it?”

[PAUSE] Ow!


Cheap perfume

[VOICEOVER – PHONE]

“I don’t know where it came from, I think the boy upstairs is pulling some kind of scam; there’s like eight boxes of it.

“What’s it called?

“Gourmand Fleur de Blonde? Is it any good?

“Trust me la, if I wore that, you’d never want to sleep with me again.

[PAUSE] “You really don’t know me, do you?


I don’t even smoke

[INT – BEDROOM – NIGHT]

“Kyle? [PAUSE] You asleep la?

“mmm.

“I’m going for a cigarette.

“mmm.

“You want to join me?

“nuh-uh.

[BEAT] “Do you need a minute to think of a better answer?


Maybe a touch

[INT – KITCHEN – DAY]

“Stick out your tongue.

“What?

“Stick it out.

“nghhng?

“What?

“Why?

“I want to see if you have Downs syndrome.

“Excuse me!!

“Well, it would explain a lot of the things you do, wouldn’t it?

“I don’t think that’s funny.

“And say. [BEAT] Tongue!

[PAUSE] “nnfmmfn?

“What?

“Well, have I?

“Maybe a touch.

“You can’t get a touch of Downs, it’s chromosomatic; you either got it or you don’t.

“Aw. Everyday’s a school day for Kyle isn’t it? Look, I’m not complaining la, you’re bloody good with that thing. I just want to know why you have to act like such a wanker sometimes.

“Have I done something wrong?

“You’ve told her haven’t you?

[PAUSE] “I couldn’t stand her hating you any more.

“Oh Kyle.


Pretty Colours

[INT – WAITING ROOM – DAY]

“Favourite number?

“Square root of minus one.

“Dickhead.

“Alright, pi.

[TUTS] “Favourite colour?

“What’s this for?

“To see if your a dickhead or not. [SMILES] Favourite colour?

“I don’t know what it’s called [BEAT] like, I dunno, minge-mauve?

[LAUGH/SNORT] “You mean pussy-pink?

[BOTH LAUGHING] “More a vulva-violet but yeah that. whatever the colour of the human cunt is.

[STILL LAUGHING] “You’re disgusting Kyle.

“Yeah, but you love me.

[SILENCE]


Alphabetti Spaghetti

[INT – BAR – NIGHT]

“And you told them that?

“Yeah, of course.

“That you think I’m smarter than you?

“You know you are. Loads.

“You can’t really quantify intelligence that easily.

“Don’t try to be modest, it doesn’t suit you. You’ve got a brain like a super-computer. Mine [BEAT] mine’s like a bowl of alphabetti spaghetti wired up to a car battery.

[LONG PAUSE] “I’m impressed la.”

“By what? My metaphor?

“It was a simile. [BEAT] No, by you.

“Me?

“Yeah. I’ve never met a man who was comfortable telling his friends that his girlfriend was cleverer than him. 

“Girlfriend?


Hope

[INT – BEDROOM – NIGHT]

“I try to hide it.

“Really?  You don’t do a very good job.

“I know. [BEAT] Sorry.

“It’s OK. [BEAT] Really.

“I feel bad about it.

Why?

“You said not to, and I [PAUSE] I don’t want you feeling that you have to stay in touch because-.

“Because I feel sorry for you? Don’t worry about that la. I’ve pitied you ever since we met.

[FLAT] “Hilarious.

“I mean – you thirsty bitch – that if I stay in touch, it’s because I want to.

“Do you?

[SHARP] “What did I just say, Kyle?

“That you love me too?


No

“You just want me to take it off. I’m not an idiot Kyle.

“There are 37 bra related deaths a year in the UK.

“You actually looked that up?

“Well [BEAT] made it up.

[LAUGHS] “Idiot. [PAUSE] If you want to see my breasts, why don’t you just ask?

“That not a little creepy?

“A bit, yes.

[PAUSE] “Can I see your breasts then?

“No.

“I’ll show you my –

“No.


Pervert

[ANNOYED] “What are you doing?

“Cuddling.

“Why, for God’s sake?!

“It’s nice.

“You want to go again?

“No. Not yet, I-

“Get off me then! 

[TURNS OVER]

“There’s a reason they make beds this size Kyle. [LONG PAUSE] Don’t look at me like that.

“You can’t see me.

“You can have one.

“One?

“Cuddle, you pervert [BEAT] and make it a quickie.


I Thought I’d Made an Effort

FIRST DATE

“Hi! You look great!

“Uhuh. [ LOOKING ME UP & DOWN ] Did you think ‘The Royal Opera House’ was the name of a pub?


SECOND DATE

“Hi! You look lovely!

“Uhuh. [ LOOKING ME UP & DOWN ] If you’re trying to guilt me into buying you clothes Kyle, it isn’t going to work.


Four Foot Eleven

“Was that really necessary?

“You don’t understand Kyle, it’s difficult when you’re under five foot. People don’t see you. Stamping on their feet is the only way I can avoid getting trampled in a crowd.

“He was alone [ PAUSE ] and in a wheelchair.


Strictly Not Dancing

“Want to go see Bill Bailey at the Opera House?

“Royal?

“Well he won Strictly, so he’s as good as.


Skinny White Bum

“You wouldn’t last five minutes where I come from Mew.”

“I thought you said anyone could make it there.”

“There’s always a slim chance I suppose, but you’re just like all men here: soft and lazy. You can’t be lazy in the East la. It’s just not an option. It’s not one of the cards you get to pick. Lazy is a sign of depression where I come from. You feel lazy, you go see a doctor la. Get some pills, go back to work, not stand in line for an effing  government hand-out.”

“I’ve not signed on since the 80s.”

“I didn’t mean you specifically, I meant all of you. [ BEAT ] You said 2008?”

“That was three months.”

“Enough time for you to have starved back home or be forced to sell that skinny white bum to Chinese businessmen in Little India.”

“Hey, if you wanna watch me have sex with businessmen, you only have to ask.”


Barred

Why didn’t you tell me you kept a blog?

I didn’t really want you reading it. It’s not really me, it’s just like rough notes and ideas and stuff.

Bull-crap! It’s totally you: it’s sweet and pathetic and it tries too hard to be funny and clever. It’s exactly like you!

Hmm, how much have you read?

Oh, loads la. I love it. It’s a shame you don’t have any actual talent or –

Have you read any of the erotica?

 – actual talent or anything worth writing about, is what I was trying to say [ SCOWLS ]. Have I read any of the filth? Yes, and it’s disgusting. But so are you. [ SMIRKS ] I’m not complaining am I?

It’s just a bit embarrassing, having you read that kinda stuff, it’s like having you walk in on me masturbating.

I can see how that would be embarrassing yes, but you don’t masturbate publicly on WordPress do you?

I tried once, but it got no likes and some of the comments about my penis hurt my feelings.

[ ALMOST LAUGHS ] Nice.

 Sooo, you wanna watch me have a wank then?

[ SIGHS ] Why are you so determined to get yourself barred from my vagina Kyle?


It’s Not What You Say…

   “Look” she says, “I won’t be here in a couple of months, so don’t go falling in love, OK.” I don’t say anything. “I mean it la!” she continues, “Fall in love with me and I’ll finish with you.”

   “It’s too late.” I tell her. There’s a pause – and then she says she loves me too, although her exact words are,

   “Oh grow up you idiot!”


Grown Up Feelings

“It sounds really nice.”

“It was, well the house was, but I don’t like all that space, it’s too quiet. You forget, I come from the busiest city on the planet. I even moved my desk so I could see a bit of motorway in the distance la. I hated it: it was like living on the moon.”

“I’d like to live on the moon.”

“Yes Kyle, but I’m a grown up.”

“I think I love you.”

I didn’t say that last bit out loud.

 


Friends plus

“So, you know, we’ll still be friends, but like you know… more.. like friends plus.”

“Yeah, absolutely. Brilliant. Friends plus. Like fuck buddies.”

“You ever refer to me that way again and you’ll be looking for somebody else to fuck! Buddy!”


Since I Met Him…

I’ve smoked cannabis,
Cheated at poker,
Lied to my husband,
Danced naked under the stars.

I’ve slapped him,
Kissed him,
Told him a dirty secret,
Blamed a fart on him.

I’ve been ticked off by the police,
Seen a hole in the sky,
Convinced some people I was psychic,
Lost £10,000.

I’ve stood up to a bully,
Been a bully.
Been kicked out of a library.
Broken into a cemetery.

Since I met him I’ve
Lost my religion,
Found my faith,
Fallen in love.

It’s been quite an afternoon.

A.