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Hope

[INT – BEDROOM – NIGHT]

“I try to hide it.

“Really?  You don’t do a very good job.

“I know. [BEAT] Sorry.

“It’s OK. [BEAT] Really.

“I feel bad about it.

Why?

“You said not to, and I [PAUSE] I don’t want you feeling that you have to stay in touch because-.

“Because I feel sorry for you? Don’t worry about that la. I’ve pitied you ever since we met.

[FLAT] “Hilarious.

“I mean – you thirsty bitch – that if I stay in touch, it’s because I want to.

“Do you?

[SHARP] “What did I just say, Kyle?

“That you love me too?

No

“You just want me to take it off. I’m not an idiot Kyle.

“There are 37 bra related deaths a year in the UK.

“You actually looked that up?

“Well [BEAT] made it up.

[LAUGHS] “Idiot. [PAUSE] If you want to see my breasts, why don’t you just ask?

“That not a little creepy?

“A bit, yes.

[PAUSE] “Can I see your breasts then?

“No.

“I’ll show you my –

“No.

Forgiven

So, I’ve been unblocked by the girl I was am dating. She seems to have forgiven me, and the Japanese people, for whatever it was we did wrong. She sent me a gloriously pornographic Japanese comic book, made even saucier by her adding in some translations for words she says I won’t come across on my course. I think she’s right.

For someone who doesn’t like swearing in English, you don’t half know some filth in other people’s languages, I grinned. She had no choice but to confess.

I made it up.” she chuckled, “I don’t have a clue what any of it meant. I just underlined stuff at random and then wrote down the dirtiest thing I could think of. I thought you’d enjoy it.

Oh I do!” I glowed, “I love it. But if I fail my final exam because I don’t know the correct Japanese for double-ended dildo, I’m gonna blame you.

Pervert

[ANNOYED] “What are you doing?

“Cuddling.

“Why, for God’s sake?!

“It’s nice.

“You want to go again?

“No. Not yet, I-

“Get off me then! 

[TURNS OVER]

“There’s a reason they make beds this size Kyle. [LONG PAUSE] Don’t look at me like that.

“You can’t see me.

“You can have one.

“One?

“Cuddle, you pervert [BEAT] and make it a quickie.

I Thought I’d Made an Effort

FIRST DATE

“Hi! You look great!

“Uhuh. [ LOOKING ME UP & DOWN ] Did you think ‘The Royal Opera House’ was the name of a pub?


SECOND DATE

“Hi! You look lovely!

“Uhuh. [ LOOKING ME UP & DOWN ] If you’re trying to guilt me into buying you clothes Kyle, it isn’t going to work.

I’m Famous!

“There’s no way you’re going to get a quote from us to use on your blog.”
The Guardian

.

“You can say that we’ve never heard of you, if you like.”
The Times

.

“We don’t understand what it is you’re asking.”
The Telegraph

.

“Please stop calling us.”
BBC News

Why Learn Japanese

So, why am I learning Japanese? Well, primarily to piss off the girl I’m dating; she says it’s a garbage language, and she speaks about 18 of them, so she should know what she’s talking about. Nevertheless I thought it was a bit racist and told her so. She said that when I’ve had 600 of them  take a shit in my car, I’ll be in a position to judge. Then she hung up on me. Then she blocked me. I’ve really got to find out the rest of that story.

As for learning Japanese; I’m using DuoLingo, which is just brilliant! I’ve been doing it for a month and have learned around 60 words. I can say things like “Is it a small umbrella?” ‘chee-sai kasa des-ka?’ and “No, it’s a black dog” ‘ee-eh karoii eenu des’. I haven’t got to “Fuck you! You racist, smart-arsed, tight-cunted b****!” yet, I think it’s in module 19.

Four Foot Eleven

“Was that really necessary?

“You don’t understand Kyle, it’s difficult when you’re under five foot. People don’t see you. Stamping on their feet is the only way I can avoid getting trampled in a crowd.

“He was alone [ PAUSE ] and in a wheelchair.

Strictly Not Dancing

“Want to go see Bill Bailey at the Opera House?

“Royal?

“Well he won Strictly, so he’s as good as.

Skinny White Bum

“You wouldn’t last five minutes where I come from Mew.”

“I thought you said anyone could make it there.”

“There’s always a slim chance I suppose, but you’re just like all men here: soft and lazy. You can’t be lazy in the East la. It’s just not an option. It’s not one of the cards you get to pick. Lazy is a sign of depression where I come from. You feel lazy, you go see a doctor la. Get some pills, go back to work, not stand in line for an effing  government hand-out.”

“I’ve not signed on since the 80s.”

“I didn’t mean you specifically, I meant all of you. [ BEAT ] You said 2008?”

“That was three months.”

“Enough time for you to have starved back home or be forced to sell that skinny white bum to Chinese businessmen in Little India.”

“Hey, if you wanna watch me have sex with businessmen, you only have to ask.”