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Strictly Not Dancing

“Want to go see Bill Bailey at the Opera House?

“Royal?

“Well he won Strictly, so he’s as good as.

Skinny White Bum

“You wouldn’t last five minutes where I come from Mew.”

“I thought you said anyone could make it there.”

“There’s always a slim chance I suppose, but you’re just like all men here: soft and lazy. You can’t be lazy in the East la. It’s just not an option. It’s not one of the cards you get to pick. Lazy is a sign of depression where I come from. You feel lazy, you go see a doctor la. Get some pills, go back to work, not stand in line for an effing  government hand-out.”

“I’ve not signed on since the 80s.”

“I didn’t mean you specifically, I meant all of you. [ BEAT ] You said 2008?”

“That was three months.”

“Enough time for you to have starved back home or be forced to sell that skinny white bum to Chinese businessmen in Little India.”

“Hey, if you wanna watch me have sex with businessmen, you only have to ask.”

Barred

Why didn’t you tell me you kept a blog?

I didn’t really want you reading it. It’s not really me, it’s just like rough notes and ideas and stuff.

Bull-crap! It’s totally you: it’s sweet and pathetic and it tries too hard to be funny and clever. It’s exactly like you!

Hmm, how much have you read?

Oh, loads la. I love it. It’s a shame you don’t have any actual talent or –

Have you read any of the erotica?

 – actual talent or anything worth writing about, is what I was trying to say [ SCOWLS ]. Have I read any of the filth? Yes, and it’s disgusting. But so are you. [ SMIRKS ] I’m not complaining am I?

It’s just a bit embarrassing, having you read that kinda stuff, it’s like having you walk in on me masturbating.

I can see how that would be embarrassing yes, but you don’t masturbate publicly on WordPress do you?

I tried once, but it got no likes and some of the comments about my penis hurt my feelings.

[ ALMOST LAUGHS ] Nice.

 Sooo, you wanna watch me have a wank then?

[ SIGHS ] Why are you so determined to get yourself barred from my vagina Kyle?

It’s Not What You Say…

   “Look” she says, “I won’t be here in a couple of months, so don’t go falling in love, OK.” I don’t say anything. “I mean it la!” she continues, “Fall in love with me and I’ll finish with you.”

   “It’s too late.” I tell her. There’s a pause – and then she says she loves me too, although her exact words are,

   “Oh grow up you idiot!”

Grown Up Feelings

“It sounds really nice.”

“It was, well the house was, but I don’t like all that space, it’s too quiet. You forget, I come from the busiest city on the planet. I even moved my desk so I could see a bit of motorway in the distance la. I hated it: it was like living on the moon.”

“I’d like to live on the moon.”

“Yes Kyle, but I’m a grown up.”

“I think I love you.”

I didn’t say that last bit out loud.

 

still miss her

Still better than porn

People tend not to believe me when I say that I’ve watched very little porn. But I don’t see the point: I have an imagination.

I’ve never thought that I had a very good imagination and my masturbatory fantasies are certainly no masterpieces. There’s very little in the way of back story and although I’m proud of my character development and story arc (particularly during the denouement), I tend to rely on tried and tested themes and avoid any plot twists.

As for the casting, It’s atrocious. All the female roles are unbelievably beautiful and clearly way out of my league. Nobody, in their right mind, would believe that women like that would want to sleep with me, let alone be eager to. And yet, for some unfathomable reason, I believe every scene without question.

My own role in this nonsense is perhaps the most ridiculous of all: I cast myself as an heroic super-lover, able to maintain an erection for days, satisfying any number of women. And as if things couldn’t get any more pathetic, this character even has a bigger cock than I do and is able to produce enough ejaculate to drown a small choir.

The irony that I am, in reality, a scrawny, worn-out fifty-something who can barely keep it up for the duration of a quick restroom wank seems to pass me by completely.
That is until I finish…

And it’s still better than porn.

Friends plus

“So, you know, we’ll still be friends, but like you know… more.. like friends plus.”

“Yeah, absolutely. Brilliant. Friends plus. Like fuck buddies.”

“You ever refer to me that way again and you’ll be looking for somebody else to fuck! Buddy!”

Smart Arse

Watching the golf: the Open Something. Not into golf but it’s on, that’s how bored I am today. It’s in Sandwich, Kent, quite near where I grew up.
It took me tick to realise why it meant something to me…

I lost my virginity on that golf course.
Seana was her name, or Shean, or Shana, she was Welsh.
I never saw her again,
Or before.
I made a joke about a golf ball getting stuck in the imprint of her butt crack.
She pointed out that her crack imprint would be inverted and actually form a ridge, causing any such ball to roll away from, rather than in to, her crack.

Smart arse!

Not Just a Game

As sad as we all are about last night’s loss, let’s not forget that football affects lives beyond the pitch and the terraces.

 

According to police data, domestic violence increases 26 per cent when England play. It goes up 38 per cent when England lose.

 

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