so, the party is in full swing. everyone is having a good time. the music is rocking, the booze flowing and the smoke billowing. i’m playing a game of acid chess with a hot italian chic. it involves no pieces and no board and i think i’m winning. everyone is having a great time, that is until he shows up.
“oh fuck!” i hear someone mutter and i look up and there he is, surveying the revelry. you can feel the atmosphere drain from the room. most of us try to pretend we haven’t seen him, but it does no good.
“quiet everyone!” he shouts, “there’s something i need to say.” as the sound dies down, a few eyes roll as we reluctantly look his way. “i just want you all to know that i love you. all of you.” there is a general murmur and a few ‘thanks mate’ and ‘that’s nice’. hoping that’s it, everyone tries to get back to the fun, but i’ve been here before and i know there’s no chance of that, not now. “excuse me!” he barks, drawing all our attentions back to him,” but didn’t i just say something?” you can almost taste the collective sigh.
“we love to too man.” someone says and the rest of us nod and utter in agreement.
“well then,” he demands, “don’t you think it would be a nice idea if you all starting singing some songs about me, about how cool it is that i love you all so much?” everyone realises that this cunt is way too boorish to be ignored and somebody starts humming.
the italian chic and i sneak out the back, unseen, with a couple of others, and as we’re waiting for a bus she asks me “who was that asshole?”
“oh him,” i say, “that’s god.”
how i love your eyes,
and your tits,
and your thighs.
how i love your toes,
and your butt,
and your nose,
how i love your armpits
as i love your tits.
how i love your ass,
like a cow
loves the grass.
how i love your tits,
already said this.
Sorry to break it to you like this, but I think that you’re a bit of a cunt. Okay, sure, you created the universe, and I have to say that I’m jolly impressed, but why did you have to ruin it by acting like such a dick? You’re jealous and shallow and bitter and twisted. Your commandments are almost totally self serving. Craven images? Really? taking your name in vain? Get over yourself you wanker! Do you really think we need tablets of stone to tell us that lying and stealing and killing are wrong? Seriously dude, I know fucking eight year olds who could figure that out, and killing? What about Jericho? Every living thing, you had slaughtered, women, babies, even the fucking cattle, you lying hypocritical motherfucker, and what of rape and slavery and racism and child abuse? Don’t see a fucking mention of that in your bloody commandments, and what is it with that boy of yours? You decided we were sinners, not us. You decided we needed redeeming, we were quite fucking happy thanks, until you stuck your almighty nose in, and look how you chose to save us, you sick cunt, by torturing your own son to death! You need fucking help buddy, seriously. You have caused nothing but pain and anguish and suffering and guilt and countless war and death, ever since you showed up. If you really care about us (and I seriously doubt you do, you are too wrapped up in yourself to be able to really care) then please, just fuck off and go annoy someone else, or, ideally, just put a fucking bullet in that sick and twisted brain of yours.
Yours. very sincerely
PS. Thanks for the cookies, the missus says to say that the cinnamon was the perfect touch.
PPS. Stop watching me when I masturbate, you fucking pervert.
God has a lot of names: God, Allah, Jehovah, Brahma, Waheguru and Akumba, to name just a few.
Personally, I think that there are 7,058,953,712 names for god, at least there were when I last checked.
Its spring here today. Its warm again. I sat under a tree in the park and smoked a spliff. The tree was covered in a cloud of pink flowers that rained petals and I wondered if trees could be gay and concluded that this one probably was, at least during the spring. I told a jogger that she had the most amazing pink shoelaces I had ever seen. I wanted to tell her how badly she needed to invest in a good sports bra, but I didn’t and I am as ashamed of not saying that as I am proud. I wondered if the fact that I find mixed-race couples really cute made me a racist and concluded that it probably did. I saw 47 cleavages. I watched a juggler that couldn’t juggle and a painter that couldn’t paint, a woman walked past me that had a butt so cute, that I wanted to both juggle with it and paint it. I checked my phone and found that God had accepted my friend request and was also following my blog. I shared a cup of tea with a woman who smelled of cider and an ice cream with a duck that kept giving me funny looks and tried to bite me when I got up to leave.
Okay, so I’m in this hotel last night and for some reason the cable’s not working. Now, I’ve got a boner that you could hammer nails with, and I need to find something to bust my load to. I rummage around a bit to see if someone’s left a magazine or photo of their wife behind or something, and all I can find is this book called ‘The Bible’. Now, I’ve heard of it before and was kind of thinking that it wouldn’t be much cop as jerk off material, but fuck, I was wrong.
This whole book is full of the raunchiest, most depraved shit I’ve ever read. There’s incest and virgin raping and all sorts. Really, they should put a warning on the cover, what if some kid were to get hold of a copy? Doesn’t bare thinking about.
This God fella, I tell you, he’s a right filthy fucker. Clearly gay, but I don’t mind a bit of that and any port in a storm, eh? He moons this guy Moses (Exodus 33:17-23) and fondles this other guy Jacob’s balls (Genesis 32:25). And the things some of his buddies get up to, its fucking debauched, I tell you. This one bloke, right, Lot, his name is, has drunken sex, in a cave, with two of his own daughters (Genesis 19:30-36) and this other geezer, Jacob, fucks his own sisters and his handmaid in this awesome MFFF foursome (Genesis 29: 21-28).
My favourite bit though was when this guy, Judah, fucks his own daughter-in-law thinking she is a whore (Genesis 38:15-16).
Its not all depravity mind, some of it is quite educational, and has some handy tips on masturbation (Judah 38:8-10).
I tell you, this book is fucking hot and I’m gonna take a copy with me whenever I’m away from home. My only criticism would be that this God bloke clearly doesn’t like women and I don’t like all that misogynistic stuff: no place for it these days, and I skipped all the virgin raping and the bit where he cuts off this chick’s hand for touching some guy’s cock.
All in all though, The Bible has gotta be some of the best porn who’s pages I have gotten all sticky. Seriously, get a copy. Just make sure your children don’t find it.
I had imagined that people would clamber to own another’s soul, but it seems not. I am not disappointed though, not at all – the sheer quality of those of you who entered made my heart glow.
Here are the results:
The winner, and now owner of my immortal soul is now Pete Denton. Try not to be too careful with it Pete and let me know what kind of sick things you do to it please. Here is the official certificate of ownership.
Runners up prizes go to:
Take your pick please and congratulations to you all.
Of course, now I’ve given away my soul, I am struggling to think what to give away as my next prize – any ideas on a postacard please?
~ k )
Very soon now I will get my 1,000th visitor to this blog – i know that’s not very many but its not a very good blog. I am currently on 986 so there are only 14 to go and that should happen sometime later today I would reckon .
I would like to offer a prize to visitor number 1,000 but I am a poor writer and have nothing to give except my soul, so I am offering that as a prize.
YES! WIN MY ETERNAL SOUL
To qualify to win my everlasting soul simply leave a comment on this or any other post and I will keep an eye on my stats and if you are the visitor with the comment soonest after the clock ticks over to 1,000 you will win my everlasting soul to do with whatever you please. Hopefully you will trample on it and abuse it but it is entirely up to you: plant it in the garden or keep it in a cupboard, hang it on a wall, whatever you want.
There will also be two runners up prizes for the 999th visitor and the 1,001st visitor plus one for the best comment. A choice between, having me writing a blog post on any subject they choose or, me being their online slave for a day.
A LITTLE ABOUT THE PRIZE: An eternal soul, with one, not very careful, owner – rather stained but sturdy and still in one piece.
NOTE: This competition is only open to those that follow this blog.
i am in love with a woman on the other side of the planet, literally, and although there are the obvious physical frustrations, it is wonderful and perhaps the most beautiful romance i have ever known. her evenings are my mornings and my evenings, her mornings: i call it morvening. sometimes i forget what time of day it is completely, i even forget what day it is at times. here it is winter, there it is summer. here it is light and there, dark. time and season evaporate and mean nothing. i get two mornings and two evenings every day, i am so lucky. we talk via satellites, our words travel through space, isn’t that magnificent?
If I was the devil, I would be really good at it, I would know exactly how to construct the worst possible Hell for any individual. Its simple: give them what they most want, what they desire most in their hearts, their loves, their dreams, their ambitions and longings. Give them this every day… and then rip it from them … every day.
Making someone miserable all the time is not Hell, people can get used to any amount of pain. What really hurts them is to raise their hopes and then dash them. Make them as happy as they possibly can be and then steal that from them and do it over and over and over. Nothing can make them hurt more. Pain is at its most awful when it follows directly in the footsteps of happiness.
This is my biggest fear.
Unfortunately this does not work on everybody, only those that are brave enough to love to a great extent or long beyond reason for what they want can be destroyed by such a plan – but for those people, such a Hell would be so much worse than any eternal burning pit.
Burning? In a fire? For all eternity? How boring, the devil it seems has no imagination.
PS. Satan, if you are in need of an assistant, I am available on Tuesdays and Fridays, my rates are available on my website wwww.losingyoureallyscaresme.com and are very reasonable.
Jesus walked on water – we walked on the moon
Jesus cured 73 lepers – we wiped out smallpox
fuck god, he’s small fry compared to the might and beauty that is homo sapiens
LONG LIVE THE APE!
imagine the best sunset you ever saw and then imagine that the sky always looked like that – it would cease to be beautiful, because it would be normal. beautiful things must, by definition, be rare – the universe existed for billions of years before we were born and will continue to exist for trillions of years after we die. like those rare desert plants that only blossom for one day every 150 years, the beauty of life lies in its brevity, and its rarity.
everlasting life would, were it possible, rob our lives of their beauty. so thank god that he doesn’t exist and that tomorrow we might die.